Looking back on my life (Sounds old, I’m not, I’m just making up the balance at the pivotal point, which is around 40 for women. I’m 41 now), I recall people who tried to get through to me. Most people who wake up, are initially angry. Very, very angry. I know, I’ve gone through that phase myself, too. Back when I was still asleep, I incurred the wrath of some of those who had recently woken up. I cited some dumb stuff that the system indoctrinated me with, and they got angry at me. They then tried to shake me out of my societally induced stupor. It didn’t work. So today, I know that it won’t work to try and wake someone else up. It just doesn’t work that way. You’ll wake up when you’ve suffered enough. When you’re done suffering. When you’re finally at the point where you succeed in taking off the blindfold (or parts of it, at least).
I occasionally talk to my friends, people who, like me, try to exercise our minds to figure out what to do in our own lives. I try to let go of the old reflexes, of having any investment in their well-being. I wish them well, yes, and I have my opinion and we talk freely, but I don’t need them to act in any way or other for my personal satisfaction. That’s not what friendship is. It would be hypocrisy, anyway. I haven’t fully woken up, I’m sure. I think this is what is meant by loving detachment. It’s okay not to need anyone to do anything in particular. Staying in the friendship or walking away, it’s all the same. That’s the only way you can have a deep and lasting friendship, when the connection is genuinely enjoyable (even in the hard times) without clinging to each other. I had to learn this the hard way, I made many mistakes. Everybody has their own path to walk and I must remind myself I have no stake, no investment in their personal path. Only my own. And by finally learning that, I’ve learned that I cause my own suffering whenever I forget that rule.
If you are suffering and you’re still asleep, you will probably walk into the same mistake every other lemming does: You’ll try to get help from people who have openly admitted they have no solutions. I did the same. If you ask them how any of their methods work, they’ll admit they don’t know. Evidence based… Except they haven’t seen the evidence with their own eyes either. It’s all just hearsay. Somebody else researched this. Somebody else invented this. Somebody else studied this. Somebody else. Always somebody else. But they, the not-somebody-elses, will take you on as a customer or client anyway. Their chimney has to smoke, you see. And they really think they’re helping you. That is their intent, anyway. But the intent is not the outcome and aiming for an outcome without having any understanding will perpetuate the problem, not solve it. (It’s difficult to convince a man of something when his livelihood depends on him not understanding it.) They look into a book and go through the motions they read there, not realizing that they are just participants in a dance that started long before either of you were born.
You search online for “Is there a cure for… PTSD? Diabetes? Some chronic disease or other?” and you will find the answer that the mainstream has: No. We can’t cure you. We don’t know. And still, hordes of people seek out their help.
They have hold of the wrong end of the stick. Here’s what’s ailing you.
You.
What’s bothering you is you.
At some point in your life, you have decided not to put your own mental faculties front and center in your life anymore. Children are naturally curious. They want to see, do, understand. Our misguided school system (school is mandatory in the Netherlands and state-funded) thinks that a child understands when they are able to repeat. So, what they do is pressure you into marching at someone else’s pace. Repeat after me. You have had to suspend your own judgment. Nothing can go at your own pace here. We are a stressed out country, always pressured and pushed into a system, and eventually the system gets ingrained into our behavior. We punish ourselves for not marching to a tune that has long since stopped playing. But we continue anyway. By extension, courtesy of this system, there’s pressure to put others’ judgement first, and also other people’s comfort and well-being. This is the old programming. And our entire society is full of people who constantly look to others. Who’s in charge? Nobody. Our programming teaches us to abdicate. And the funny thing is, some people become convinced that people are by nature uninquisitive, dumb, unimaginative and lack self-reliance. This must then be remediated by more and more interventions, that take away people’s autonomy even further. And then there are people who saw through the game when they were children and decided not to show any initiative anymore. You don’t want me to think? Fine, then let someone else take care of it, if that’s what you all want. Funny, isn’t it? The programming says you should look to other people for answers. Never your own judgement. Other people’s. Somebody else has decided that these ingredients are edible. You’re done thinking. Someone else has decided this medication is right. You’re done thinking. Somebody else has decided how many children is the right number to have. You’re done thinking. Somebody else, always somebody else. If we can outsource our decisions, in any way, by reading pieces of text written by other people, then that’s what we’ll do. We suspended our own judgement. Is there another person who can tell me what to do to feel better? Anyone?
No.
There is no other person, there is no book, there is no research paper that will tell you exactly what to do in your life. One person has to take cold showers to calm their nervous system. Another has to go for a run. Another has to meditate or do yoga. Another has to write down their thoughts or keep a dream journal. How will you know what works for you? You read, think or try. But most of all, you judge.
It’s you who has to learn how to read life itself. You have to relearn to think sense, intuit, think, feel and perceive. Instead, you have abdicated your mind. You are waiting for permission to put your own well-being first. You are a sitting duck. You are told that putting your own well-being first is evil. Why? Why is it evil to make exactly the amount of money you need (you’re lazy!), to do a job that’s not glamorous but sustainable (you’re unambitious!), or for that matter to work 60 hours a week (you’re sick!), or make enough money to buy that huge house you’ve always wanted (you’re greedy!), to hang around with only people you like (you’re not sociable!), to buy food that you wish to eat (you’re picky!), to make your house exactly as you wish to have it (you’re so OCD!) … ? You have internalized the voice that says “you should” and “you’re bad” and now you’re telling yourself “I should” and “I’m bad”. Why? Why should you do it one way and not some other way?
Here’s a hint: If you’re miserable, you’re living your life out of alignment with who you are. It’s as easy as that.
There is the false voice, that says you should give your energy to something outside yourself, at the expense of yourself. See how long you can keep that up. That you should give more than you take. See how long you can keep that up. (Or that you should take more than you give, in retribution for an unfair society.. See how long you can keep that up.) That it is more important to be kind than to be right. Hah! Ask anyone who has made a critical error in their life, and they’ll tell you: “Although I value kindness and I will try to be kind as much as possible, I value being right more. If I am forced to choose, from now on I will choose the right answer over a wrong one, no matter how kind the wrong one is.” The false voice says that taking anything for yourself at all is bad. Ask anyone who failed to care for their own well being how that worked out. That standing up for yourself is unkind and withdrawing into peace and quiet is selfish. You’re bad no matter what you choose. Choosing for yourself is bad. Any kind of self-interest is selfishness. Do you know the joke where a bully takes your hand, hits you over the head with it and says “Why are you hitting yourself?”. Well, why are you? Why are you hitting yourself? Why do you think you are not worthy to live a fulfilling life under your own terms and conditions?
“Because there are some people who are evil!” some people scream. “Some people (others, not me of course) are evil, selfish assholes who take advantage of others.” So? And your fucking solution is to forbid anyone from pursuing their own well-being? Because a few assholes exist, nobody can ever look after themselves first? Heck, airplane companies know the answer to that one: “When in danger, first help yourself before you help others.” You are no use to society if you do not care for your own well-being. Our society has forgotten that.
“Because some people are idiots!” some people shout. “Some people (others, not me of course) cannot care for themselves.” And your solution is to infantilize everyone? How’s that working out for you? These people effectively claim that nobody is fit to judge for themselves. Except they of course, because they get to judge who is capable of judging. Do you see the joke? We’ve got the Garden of Eden all backwards. We’re like toddlers. We received a stick labeled “Good” and one labeled “Bad” and we go around hitting everything we see. And we’re thinking that these sticks were meant to hit people with. Including ourselves. Punishment and reward. These are not sticks for hitting. They’re sticks to lean on, on our long journey through life. The ability to judge is a gift, and a dangerous one because you could indeed hit people with it, including yourself. We’ve got to learn how to use it properly.
Good boy, bad boy. Good girl, bad girl. It’s all induced, it’s all programming. And it’s you who accepted the programming. Don’t blame yourself. You were pressured, and as a child you didn’t know any better, so forgive yourself for it. But here’s the thing: Contracts with a minor are not binding. You were a minor and you took on a false contract under pressure. You are under no obligation to uphold it. It is null and void. Stop hitting yourself.