It pops up every now and then. The concept of “fear of success”. Last week, a friend said that his coach had suggested that he might not just be afraid of failure, but afraid of success as well. A few days later, a comment online mentioned “Some people are just afraid of success” and someone replied that they struggled with this. In both cases, I asked a question: “Are you really afraid of success, or is it just another fear of failure in disguise?”. You see, real fear of success is quite the beast. You should prefer being afraid of failure, really, and try to get to the bottom of it to make sure it’s not fear of success. I’m not kidding.
First, let’s break it down. What are you afraid of, exactly? For example, you’ve postponed applying for a new job. You’re afraid. Of what, exactly?
“Well, I might get hired.”
So what? What’s the bad thing that would happen?
“Well, then I’d have to perform.”
Still not a bad thing. What’s the bad thing that would happen?
“Er… I might fail?” Ah, there we go. It’s fear of failure, lucky you.
You need to keep asking the question “What’s the bad thing that would happen?”. Really. So you have to do X? So what? And if the line of questioning ends up at “I might fuck up.”, you’re right back into familiar territory. Fear of failure.
In order to get a grip on this kinda stuff, you need to figure out what messages you got as a child or teen when you either failed or succeeded. What did people around you do? Fear of failure is associated with fear of disapproval and shame. People probably expressed negative emotion around your failures. You probably felt a sense of shame around not knowing the answers or not finishing a task.
Fear of success is not so much associated with shame, but it’s more associated with disgust. People who fear success, fear the vultures. If I succeed, then… then people around me will jump on me and treat me like their personal trophy. My successes can never be mine alone, other people will try to feel something (anything) by associating with me and claiming “I know him/her!!!!! Look at me, I know them!! (Or worse: That’s my son/daughter that is!!) Therefore, I’m good, too!”. They’ll practically have an orgasm. Yuck. Or I will be actively sabotaged by others, as soon as they see I’ve made something good. My drawing will be torn to pieces. Or I will be ridiculed or belittled. Fear of failure associates trying with failing and failing with negative emotion. Fear of success associates trying with succeeding and succeeding with negative emotion. Oh boy.
Fear of failure stops you from starting on something. It stops you from achieving in the first place. You just don’t start on anything, or you do it half-assed. Fear of failure causes you not to press the gas pedal, at all, or only barely.
Fear of success does not stop you from achieving, and that makes it more frustrating: You might actually achieve things! You get great grades, you get a good job, you do something nice for yourself. But as soon as you succeed, you pull the plug. You don’t finish the course, even though you got straight A’s for all assignments. You might not show up for the final exam. You quit the job where you made a promotion. You don’t accept the best job offer, even though you applied and passed the interview with flying colors. Fear of success causes erratic behavior: Full pedal to the metal one moment, getting to pole position, then hit the brakes and crash and burn.
Fear of failure and fear of success are related: They’re both about regulating the gas pedal and the brakes. But they’re qualitatively different. The one who is afraid of failing never pushes the gas pedal deep enough, and hardly if ever needs the brakes. The one who fears success is erratic, sometimes floors the gas pedal, sometimes floors the brakes, sometimes freezes and does nothing, sometimes pushes both the gas and the brake at the same time… Both need to learn to reach middle ground, by applying the gas pedal in moderation and the brakes in moderation. In both cases it’s about setting small, achievable goals and sticking with your plan. And you probably need a buddy to spot check you… Another good reason to marry someone and do your damnedest to figure life out together.