There’s a strange point of view that I regularly find myself in recently. People post various things online. Basically, the internet is a kind of multiplayer diary. More than it is a tool to save time or make money, it seems. People post their successes and failures, their progress and their setbacks. And others can reply. What do you reply when someone posts something, anything personal? When it’s a new job, sending a congrats is easy. But what if it’s something difficult?
Here’s an example. A man posted on his personal blog about their baby, who was born with brain damage. The post was shared on a social network. He went on to describe how the birth progressed. After her waters broke, the man picked up his stopwatch and started timing the contractions. At a certain number, he knew, they should get to the hospital. At some point, his wife said: “It feels like the baby needs to come out now.” But the number wasn’t reached yet.
I can’t help noticing things like that. Something in me goes: Pause button. This is what’s so interesting about the multiplayer diary. We write down what we’ve seen, even when we haven’t seen the connections yet. His story continued with her holding back the contractions, followed eventually by the birth and the baby being blue and doctors intervening and at some point he writes: “How did this happen? We did everything right.”
What do I do with this? What do you say? Should I press the “Comment” button? Would he be happy to read a “No you didn’t, you both missed a crucial signal from your wife’s body and the baby.” Obviously, I didn’t reply.
Then there’s someone who develops ALS and posts about it online. I don’t know him but he turns up in my feed, thanks to the algorithm. Do I post a link to some research showing a link between ALS and repressed anger? Who the hell do I think I am. Wishing someone strength is the appropriate thing to do, if anything.
Then there’s someone I haven’t seen in over a decade. She posts some of her troubles online. I sent her a message of sympathy, thanking her for the time when she did the same for me. Do I also point out something I’ve noticed? Would it help?
And lastly, there’s a friend who comes over for a cup of tea and tells me about something painful. There’s the difference I think. Online posts from people I don’t know about, or haven’t seen in over a decade, I tell myself to keep quiet. It’s not up to me. There are just too many problems in the world, even if I saw a glimpse of something, would it make a difference? And besides, is that what people want from their online posts? But I find it hard to grapple with this. What is it we expect from this medium, really? Do we want support (some text and a smiley face?) or information? What is it we seek here? If you told a person something face to face, the reply you expect depends on the relationship you have with each other. Not only that, you would adapt your message, you’d share more or less depending on who was listening.
I think we’re often not very clear on this online. Online, you post the same message to friends and strangers, but your choice of words doesn’t change depending on who reads it. So what are you aiming for? Of course, adding a note on the sort of reply you want would not be an improvement at all. You don’t place an order for the types of replies that are allowed. But when we post something online, we open ourselves to the full range of human responses, don’t we? I feel like sometimes I could contribute something. But I can’t gauge whether it’s welcome. And I can’t see a way to ask if they’re open to hearing my opinion. That’s just odd, on a post from a stranger. There’s no conversation, not really. It’s a one off. What would you comment? “Hey, here’s a comment to ask if you’re open to another comment…”? Is there a way to start the conversation like you would in everyday life? Should I just write whatever I think, and see how it lands? I’m not so sure about this, really.