Time isn’t linear. Life isn’t linear. Sure, we age and there’s no going back. But the universe is fractal in nature, there are cycles to your life and both you and your environment will show it to you. You do get second chances to put things right, to learn your lessons. There are no do-overs in life, in the sense that you can’t go back and change your previous choices. But there are do-overs in the sense that the same situation will repeat itself until you get it right.
Fifteen years ago, my life had a certain structure, a cadence if you will. I realized recently: I’m back there, I’ve come full circle. Fifteen years ago I went abroad for an internship. Looking back, it has been an anchor in my life. It wasn’t all sunshine and butterflies. Well, it was, it was all sunshine and cherry blossom, but the internship itself was rather unfulfilling, but the experience of being abroad and meeting new people and sightseeing was wonderful.
Not that I’m currently planning on going abroad. But who knows, the opportunity might arise soon, because my life has aligned with that period again. Back then, I was studying Computer Science, I was in a long term relationship and had a side job delivering mail. When I went abroad for four months, I quit that side job. It did occur to me, briefly, that I could ask for unpaid leave, but I never asked. I immediately assumed they’d say no. Which is too bad because that was, honestly, the best job I ever had. I had another side job back then, which was at the university’s laptop service center. It was a good job too, you just had to work meticulously and for that reason there was no rush. When you took in a laptop for repairs, you had to check for all existing defects and write them down. Scratches, stickers on the back, broken connectors or defective network ports, you systematically went through a list and wrote it all down so that there could be no doubt what state it was in when we took it. I enjoyed that job, too, but there was one major downside: Our bosses boss thought she had to be aggressive to be an effective leader. Sometimes, a mistake was made. It was never me, I’m proud to say. But I’d still be the recipient of an aggressive email, sent out by her to the entire department, titled “To whom it may concern”. It went something along the lines of “this costs us money” and invariably ended with “who fits the shoe shall put it on”. Doesn’t sound that bad but the tone was awful. It always stressed me the fuck out, I got upset and angry. I was doing my job well, I didn’t deserve this negative sentiment in my inbox. (And I think it’s just weak to shame your personnel that way, even if she didn’t call out names, the gossip circuit would start and the person would sooner or later be outed.) I spoke to a secretary about it, me and another coworker, a few days later. He was as angry as I was, I wasn’t alone. But, here’s the thing. I didn’t take it up with my bosses boss in person. I should have. I should have talked to her, let her know this was demotivating and demoralizing me, and that I would seek other employment if this continued. Instead, I just continued working, because the job itself was nice and the pay was decent. But the tarnish will always cling to the memory, because I got angry in front of the wrong person. It wasn’t effective, what I did. I should have gone directly to the person I had a problem with. I have done that since, but then old habits kicked in again and on some areas of my life I could use some improvement. When I went abroad, I quit that job too. I quit the cover band I was singing for. I had been thinking about quitting that and the internship abroad was the catalyst. I wouldn’t return to it after I came back. I cut myself loose and left.
When I arrived at my internship abroad, the professor had retracted his idea for my internship topic, thinking it too difficult for a student doing her master’s. But he never instated a new topic. Instead, I was left to my own devices. The idea from the home front was that I was being scouted for a PhD. One professor, professor M, had even said “I’ll hold a place for you”, and professor F who was my internship supervisor back home said “It would be nice if you published something”. I asked what he meant. Publish what? “Well, you know, go publish something.” Something. Anything. I had never been left to my own devices that way. Well, frankly, I had: My life was marked by a lack of guidance and nurturing, I had never had any mental or emotional support from adults and now that I was supposed to be an adult myself, I was running on empty. Furthermore I had so far spent 20 years in the Dutch school system, which makes you wary of ever showing any initiative (“What are you doing? Get back in line!”). I had no access to my intrinsic motivation anymore and I realize today that this was a protection mechanism in a society that is eager to put you to use. You see, it’s fine to do something you love of your own accord. But as soon as people start hanging from your sleeve to cough up, hand over the fruits of your labor, do that trick again, then all intrinsic motivation dries up. That was me. I was fine with getting an assignment and chewing my way through it. But my own creativity, my curiosity, my joy, that wouldn’t let itself be harnessed for anything but my own pursuits. Even though I didn’t have many personal aspirations anymore. So I went abroad without an assignment and came back completely burned out. I had a report of things I had tried and professor F thought one of my ideas was promising but I didn’t see the merit. What was the point of anything I was doing? Publishing for the sake of publishing? My internship supervisor abroad had told me he prefaced all his papers with a promise that his research would help with genetics, a topic that was all the rage back then. He shrugged and said “It’ll make it more likely my paper is accepted.” Yuck. I started my masters thesis, and quit after a few weeks when professor M said “I’d like you to publish something. It’ll be good for your start in academia.” Publish, about what? What problem do you need solved? He didn’t understand the question. “Just publish something.” Anything. I collapsed in exhaustion, withdrew from the masters program and applied for a job. I did finish my masters degree two years later, with professor W, whom I explicitly asked for a practical assignment. He helped me find one in a corporate environment. Within the confines of a clear problem statement, I could be practical and creative. Steady boundaries, a confined playground, that’s what you need to be creative. Limitations, not infinity. I graduated with near perfect score.
About my journey abroad. It’s interesting, the thought of going to Japan had been there all my life. I’m glad I did, it was a hunch I followed. Today I’d say I was called there. But I made two big mistakes. The first mistake is that I never properly unpacked. I lived from the suitcase. I didn’t dare settle. Four months, unpack your suitcase you dimwit! I spent four months being upset that nobody told me how things worked. How did the washing machine work? What were the house rules? On the last day, when I packed and then went through the room to see if I hadn’t forgotten anything, I opened a drawer….and found the welcome pamphlet. I’m an idiot.
The second mistake I made was afterwards. I deleted my Facebook account. With it, I lost the connections I had made. One girl from Korea, Nakarin (a boy’s name, which she was rather upset about, I remember), had even sent me pictures of her wedding via paper mail! In hindsight, she wanted to keep in touch and I just went and deleted my Facebook account. How stupid. Well, on the other hand I had some issues with social media, it was definitely a bad habit for me, but I regretted deleting the account. I created a new account again later, but I didn’t regain those connections.
Cycles of life
Three years ago, while working on our own business, I ran out of money and had to find a side job. At first, I didn’t realize that I had been saying for a while “I’ll go deliver mail, that was a good side job.” My fiancee pointed it out and gave me the much needed push to go do it. I now have a nice, flexible, no-stress side job that allows me to spend the rest of my time as I want.
One and a half years ago, I joined a choir in my neighborhood. I enjoyed singing, but there wasn’t really a match with the choir members, who are all retired or nearing retirement. I’m thirty years younger than them. I decided last November that I’d finish the year with them and then quit and see what else will come my way.
Three quarters of a year ago, we upgraded our relationship and got married. Our wedding was intimate, traditional and lovely.
Last year around this time, I was fed up with our business that didn’t seem to be going anywhere, I was fed up working for no revenue, I had gotten fed up with writing software due to a build up of too many negative associations. It took about six months of hiatus. Honestly, I though I had quit software, full stop. But after six months I slowly got back to enjoying software. A few months into last year I had a new idea for a product and have started building it.
On December 21st we lit a fire in our backyard to celebrate the winter solstice. Two days later winter arrived in the form of freezing night temperatures. And a realization: I’ve come full circle. I’m in software, I’ve got a side job delivering mail and I’m in a committed relationship. And I recently quit the choir, which mimics quitting the band back then.
What will come my way this year? I don’t know but I’m mostly writing this to remind myself not to repeat the same mistakes twice:
- If you have a problem with someone, talk to them in person. Face the problem head on.
- Ask for what you want. Be it unpaid leave or an assignment with a clear problem statement, don’t assume they’ll say no
- Open all the drawers. Actually move in to the room/house. Don’t live from your suitcase.
- Don’t break off connections with nice people.
I’m a little scared to make the same mistakes again. I guess that’s a good thing, too. I’ll do my best to pay attention.
Good things worth reminding myself of as well:
- Follow your hunches, follow what beckons
- Get out of your comfort zone and take initiative
- Be open to experience