Did you know that your natural state of being is a calm one? That, before you were conditioned to get upset at things that don’t hurt you, you used to be tranquil and at peace with just about everything that happened around you? Did you know there is a version of you that hears about someone’s woes and doesn’t feel obligated to exclaim how bad you feel for them? Did you know you can observe someone struggling and not feel the urge to hand them a solution or a fix? Did you know you can be hungry, angry or afraid without being upset? That you can deal effectively, proactively, assertively and if needed perhaps even agressively, with things without getting agitated? Have you ever experienced how wonderful it is to just be who you are without having to increase your cortisol or adrenalin? Have you ever experienced the healing power of healthy anger? How relaxing a good cry can be, and that you can just return to your happy self without feeling guilty about having been sad a moment ago? You are not obligated to stay sad, after you’ve had the cry. You can just perk up, bounce back and not worry about whether someone will find that “odd”. Bouncing back is the healthy adjustment!
You’ve been programmed to stay tense.
- You can’t just bounce back, that’s odd.
- Relaxation is punished. Go do something useful!
- You can’t be happy when someone else is sad, that’s antisocial.
- You can’t walk away to regain your peace, that’s weak.
- You can’t object to unnecessary disturbances, that’s petty.
So now, with all your options of returning to baseline tranquility eliminated by the mob, you think you must find as many things to get upset about as possible, in order to feel “accepted”. See, I’m a good person, I get upset whenever anybody wants me to! But you never feel accepted, you just think yourself into acceptance, while underneath the tension and anxiety spike. When in fact the baseline of any organism is to be restful and content. Instead, you scour the internet, the world, the newspapers, people’s faces, for the next hint at what you should be getting agitated, upset or excited about. You fill your life with busy busy busyness. And if you can’t find anything to get overworked about, you’ll shout into the void, and insist that society should care. That a dialogue should be opened about some topic or other. Eyes opened extra wide, nodding while you exclaim “It’s a big deal you know”, desperate to hear a “You’re right, I agree”. Meanwhile, when was the last time you connected with real people? No, not by typing some letters on a screen. When you look at a screen you’re looking in a distorted mirror. Stop it. When was the last time you talked in person to someone in a relaxed manner? Do you celebrate your birthday with a select group of friends? Do you go out for cups of coffee or tea and chat about the weather? Do you make it a habit to sit down and relax? No. Of course not. Thou shalt get upset. Thou shalt find things to pick at. Happy people are bad people, after all.
What if, instead of getting worked up over everything and anything around you, you focused on relaxing and leaning into your own happiness? A relaxed person does more good for the world than an upset one. But here’s the thing: Relaxing is the one thing you think you aren’t allowed to do. If I relax, I wouldn’t give a shit about climate change. So? Then don’t give a shit about climate change. Does a mosquito worry about the seasons? But no, you can’t. Your sense of self-worth depends on obeying the next command to get upset. Even while sitting down, you’re not allowing yourself enjoyment. You’re thinking about the next chore, the next assignment, the next problem to tackle. If I sit down I’m wasting my time! Maybe. But why would you punish yourself for it? It makes no sense. Why are you hitting yourself? I know why. Because when you were a kid, someone punished you for sitting down and staring out the window. That punishment was ages ago. It won’t happen again. And even if someone scolds you, why are you giving them power over you? Stop telling yourself you can’t sit down and relax.
The point is not that you should waste your time. I’m not telling you to waste your time. You definitely should not waste your time. The point is to stop hitting yourself. What if you just stopped? But there are things that make me really upset! Fine. Then deal with them or walk away from them or decide that there’s nothing to be done about it, and then return to your baseline state. You think that you are obligated to take on things that make you upset. You think that you are obligated to find a solution to every problem you encounter. Or even to pick just one problem and to solve it in your lifetime. You are not. What bad thing do you imagine would happen to you, if you decided not to get worked up about anything? How much more effective would you be? What if you just stopped searching for reasons to be worried? For things that you may or may not like, or may or may not regret, or may or may not obtain or… If you encounter something, deal with it, by all means. But if you can’t change a thing, stop hitting yourself.
In case you’re wondering if I’m typing this from some high and mighty position of having found a state of permanent enlightenment or bliss; I have not. I’m just someone who is slowly starting to see the fault lines in my own personal operating system that got installed multiple decades ago. I’m busy refactoring that legacy code. More and more, I’m finding that I just don’t care. I find that I’m relaxed about not caring. I discover that I don’t hurt anyone by being relaxed and uncaring. It’s okay to not care. You don’t have to grab a crowbar and insert it into your emotions in order to force yourself to care about something when you don’t. Why would you harm yourself in such a way? Perhaps you have good reason to have developed this habit when you were younger, but there is no good reason to keep it. There is no sane reason anywhere in the universe that could justify disturbing your own peace.